Sara (name changed) wanted to be honest with her boyfriend. But she was nervous that once he knew that she came from money, it would change the way he felt about her and/or emasculate him. Heck, she didn’t even know “how much” she was worth; but if you Googled her name, a vast amount of speculation came up regarding her family’s net worth.
She knew the types of vacations her family took her on, and some other resources that were available to her. She had a trust officer, a CPA, and a financial advisor that had been with the family for decades—many of her friends didn’t even have a financial planner.
Sara loved that she had met her boyfriend at school where no one knew her family’s name, but now they were planning a future together—living together, potentially marriage, and creating a family of their own. How and when is the right time—and what’s the right amount of information—to share with a boyfriend?
To share or not to share?
This is a seminal question in family office circles. Whether it’s from parents to children, or a woman to the “outsider” she is dating. When do you talk about money? The answer is different for each person.
Pre-nups and divulging about wealth is taboo in any aspect of American life and culture, but even more so when significant wealth is at play. Secrecy and avoidance are even more apparent when inheritors leave their family homes and create a life where the family name has no ties to the town or city where they grew up—it’s easier to hide. This also makes it harder to feel authentic, and therefore develop real connections.
This often leaves women specifically feeling insecure, undeserving, and not knowing who to trust. It’s not that it’s not also hard for men, but the social and cultural implications of women having access to more present or future wealth creates an imbalance and power dynamic that makes navigating relationships challenging, especially in younger relationships.
How to talk to partners about money when they don’t know dollars, but have sense.
1. Share your money story.
You don’t have to talk numbers, but talk about your most prominent money messages growing up. Take a money personality quiz; everyone approaches money differently whether they have a lot or a little. Your relationship doesn’t rely on you having the same money personality. However, it will be healthier if you know how each other approaches money in general.
2. Let them know they don’t have to be involved, but you want to be able to share this part of your life with them.
One of our clients considering marriage has a partner who says he wants no role in the family business; he only wants to support her emotionally. He wants to be a rock of support and she wants him to have enough information to help her navigate her complex family dynamics—without having him be IN the business. They worked out where each other’s boundaries were and what was expected of each by having conversations about her family’s background (ie: don’t solve my problem, just listen, etc.).
3. Brainstorm ways you can be impactful together.
If you look at money as a way to make an impact, consider using a philanthropic strategy as a way to create some shared connections around money in a not-too-hot-button way. What causes do you both like to support? What about these causes is important to you? We love using the 21/64 deck to visualize this; luckily there’s a free version on the app store called “picture your legacy”.
4. Give each other a voice.
When you’re an inheritor, you may not get a say in how things are done; however, you can leave space for your partner to feel included. This is where the concept of Voice vs. Vote comes into play: Your partner can have an opinion, even if it doesn’t count as a vote, and you can both discuss this perspective with sincerity. When it comes to having these delicate conversations, work together to create a list of ground rules for fighting fairly and have a safe word (e.g. “muskrat” from Meet the Fockers)—something to present the other with when conversations start getting too heated.
5. Prioritize trust and transparency.
When is the right time to have this conversation? Remember, trust and vulnerability need to be earned, so don’t bring your balance sheet to the first date. However, you do owe it to yourself and your partner to be authentic and build trust with one another. This trust includes the transparency that you will have responsibilities and ownership duties within your lineal family that he or she may not.
Creating boundaries and developing trust and transparency is useful for all relationships, especially romantic ones. Be sure to also chat with your trusted group of advisors/friends about your new relationship; this will help you get a perspective about your new love that isn’t tinted by rose-colored glasses.
6. To prenup or not to prenup.
*ALERT* controversial opinion ahead.
We believe everyone should have a prenup even if they have zero assets. This agreement should go into the terms you want in a partnership/marriage (via religious pre-cana avenues, mediators, etc.).
Life looks very different when you’re in-love and a “yes” now, vs. when things are bumpy and the relationship feels like a “no” later. This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your relationship, but each side should have a say (we even believe these could have re-negotiated intervals at least every five to seven years as phases and stages of life evolve).
Similar to a purposeful estate plan, you can lay out your hopes and visions overtly (and in the good times). Even if this isn’t a formal document, it’s a great place to return to in order to remember what brought you together in the first place.
Once Sara finally talked to her boyfriend, she found the conversation a lot less intense than she’d initially imagined. Her boyfriend heard her experience and was happy to know her truth, and while he’s surprised by some of the details and expectations she’ll face, they’re going to sit down with advisors together and determine a clear path forward.
At the end of the day, it’s important to be brave enough to ask that your needs be met by your partner. What’s more, have some resources and other ways to think about money to share with your partner.