“The likeability trap: the pursuit of likeability at the expense of authenticity—is arguably the biggest and the most all-encompassing pitfall for women who aspire to lead”. The latest book by Alicia Mendez helps readers understand the systemic problems affecting women (even before the pandemic!); this includes the lack of representation of women at the top, the gender pay gap, and the go-home-and-do-all-the-housework-too gap.
To be a leader we must be authentic; but others (read: often men) either see our authentic selves as not-leaderly, or as leaderly but unlikeable. No wonder we are all so tired.
Feminine vs. Masculine Traits
We like to think about this through the lens of masculine and feminine energies. (Side note: No matter what gender you identify with, we all have and express both energies—the balance is just different.) Due to a combination of biology, culture, and societal expectations, people identifying as women naturally exhibit more feminine energy characteristics; while people identifying as men find themselves expressing masculine energy traits more often. This is clearly not applicable to every individual, but at scale you can see the trends.
Right now the corporate world prioritizes masculine energy traits like assertiveness, confidence, direction, dominance, competition, and control—which in their worst iterations can look like aggression. Meanwhile, people tend to undervalue feminine energy traits like compassion, collaboration, and empathy, considering them less desirable.
Coding Leadership
Here’s where the likeability/success trap comes into play. Since men have been in powerful positions for so long, we associate leadership traits with those “masculine” qualities like assertiveness, force, confidence, and extraversion, while undervaluing “feminine” traits like collaboration, empathy, and intuition, seeing them as not leaderly.
Yet, the research on executive function and emotional intelligence shows that these qualities more closely linked to feminine energy are critical to being a good leader. Just look at the results of the coronavirus emergency management and how successful countries with female leaders have been.
As the author of The Likeability Trap notes:
So long as “leadership” is considered synonymous with traditionally masculine qualities, it will be incredibly challenging for women to be seen as leaders, especially in male-dominated fields. Women will either act the way society expects women to act and be told they’re not leaderly enough, or they’ll act the way society expects men to act and they’ll be penalized for violating gender expectations.
What Can We Do About It?
1. Recognize Your Energy
All of us (of every sex/gender identity) should recognize what “energy” we sit in more naturally and work to balance both by developing our own skills in other areas.
2. Broaden the Definition of Leadership
We should broaden the definition of what a leader looks by talking about and elevating more “feminine” leadership qualities.
3. Women Don’t Have to Act Like Men
Until there are more women in leadership positions to lead from ahead, we need to start communicating that women don’t have to act like men to be good leaders.
4. Change the Hiring Process
We need to change the hiring process to adequately assess for skills that value both confidence and empathy, both assertiveness and nurturing.
One surefire and easy way to get more balance? Hire more women, promote more women, and pay more women. Like our friend Sallie Krawcheck states, “Nothing bad happens when women have more money”. The more women we see in leadership positions embodying—and succeeding with—more “feminine” traits, the more people will see these traits as characteristic of a leader.