Yes, you can be soft AND also be a strong negotiator.
That means:
- You can express your feelings AND still be a strong negotiator.
- You can walk away with less than what you were hoping for AND still be a strong negotiator.
Let’s eradicate the falsehood that women need to be aggressive, sharp, and void of emotion to be taken seriously in negotiations.
Ultimately, encouraging women to act like men is a losing battle.
Why Women Don’t Have to Act Like Men When They Negotiate
The assertive moves that make men appear competent and controlled in the workplace tend to backfire for women, who are perceived as cold and bossy instead.
But let us be very clear—this is not because we are cold or bossy, but because of deeply woven gender biases in the workplace (among other places).
Ladies, take it from me (a former Foreign Economic Policy negotiator). Attempting to ‘overcompensate’ for the gender biases in your negotiation approach will not yield the results you want or help grow your skills and confidence around negotiation. Which, let’s be honest, is a necessary skill in the boardroom, the bedroom, and everywhere in between.
Therefore, I thought I’d share a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up along the way.
Why Negotiation is Important
People typically don’t negotiate because they:
- Lack the skills
- Presume they will be viewed negatively if they do
- Avoid discomfort and/or have a dire need for closure
However, regardless of your comfort level, negotiating is a skill you can build through practice.
By understanding the process, looking at power dynamics, and developing comfort in speaking about what you want, you can improve and grow!
After all, not negotiating costs you money, time, and is emotionally draining.
How You Should Negotiate
Let’s first think about two foundational concepts when it comes to negotiating. Usually, people fall into one of two buckets. They’re either:
- Predicting and controlling, or
- Sensing and responding
Which is your default operating perspective? For most women, it’s #2: sensing and responding. It’s more natural for many of us to listen, empathize, and understand first before launching into a negotiation.
When You Should Negotiate
Once you recognize your negotiation type, the next step is to know when you should negotiate.
From our experience, we’ve learned you should negotiate when:
- You want something: A higher rate, a raise, your partner to do more work, a potential opportunity (paid or unpaid), etc.
- Someone wants something from you: A raise, better hours, different benefits, etc.
Whichever side of the table you’re negotiating from, make sure you create a list of 10 things you want to get out of the negotiation.
Now, let’s take a closer look at both types of negotiation.
When you want something:
- Assume everything is negotiable
- Get crystal clear on what you want
- Assess the risks and look for the win-win
- Make your offer
If your offer is accepted – YAY! If not, counter: Go back to your list of 10 other things that you want and start from there.
When someone wants something from you:
- Start with acknowledgment and get understanding
- Ask a lot of questions
- Buy yourself time to consider
- Ask for a proposal
- Make a list of 10 things you could see negotiating to make it a win-win
- Assess the risk and look for the win-win
- Make a counter offer
How to Manage Your Emotions When Negotiating
No matter whether you want something or someone wants something from you, remember to remain grounded in sensing and responding. Use curiosity, openness, and not taking things personally to ride the emotional wave you may be feeling.
- Listen to your body signals and conduct check-ins when you feel out of control.
- Know you have the ability to stop the conversation, ask for a reset, and resume the conversation at a later time/date.
- Be okay with saying, “I don’t know, but let me get back to you.” (Be sure to have a deadline/deliverable on this timeframe!)
- Establish and get buy-in on the agenda from the beginning so you can steer back to the goals if/when things are taken off track.
The Dos and Don’ts of Negotiation
Last but not least, here are some basic dos and don’ts when it comes time to negotiate.
Dos
Determine what your value is before you ask. Here are some questions you should consider:
- What’s the implication or impact to your business? Get the company to tie value to it.
- What do they consider your strengths?
- What are you looking to do differently than has been done before?
- How will the manager or stakeholder know it will be successful?
- If nobody fills this role, what’s the impact to the business?
Don’ts
On the other hand, here’s what NOT to do in a negotiation:
- Refer to personal financial circumstances as a justification
- Ask for anything without already having the buy-in that the current work is satisfactory
- Be unclear about what you are willing to accept or not
- Understand your value to the bottom line
- Allude to a change, but never make a direct ask
Everything can be negotiated. Which is why it’s so important to see new negotiation opportunities where you might not have at first. Once you recognize an opportunity for negotiation, understand what’s required before you start negotiating by following the steps outlined in this post.
Pretty soon, you’ll be a master negotiator!