A prenup can be the giant elephant in the room for generational wealth families. In some cases, next gen family members are clear; in others, next generation inheritors have no idea until they’ve said “yes” to marriage. It can bring up all sorts of reactions and responses, making the situation feel mandated, out of your control, scary, and confusing.
At a time during which you’re looking to develop a deep connection, trust, and love with your partner, it feels like a prenup could get in the way.
So how do you breach the topic with your partner in a way that is gentle, non-abrupt, and doesn’t leave them feeling caught off-guard?
The way in which you frame the conversation can make this a unifying moment. Here are some considerations to make a prenup discussion a moment to come together instead of a dividing line.
1. You can keep things confidential or private, but keeping them secret is a time bomb waiting to go off.
No, your partner doesn’t need to know everything—heck, you may not even know everything about your family’s finances—but that doesn’t mean you should be keeping information secret.
Here’s the difference between private and secret. Private means belonging to, concerning, or accessible only to an individual person or a specific group; secret means being or kept hidden. Confidential or private is okay, but when you’re not sharing something because it’s been deemed “secret”—by family, family lawyers, advisors, etc.—that’s when you need to consider the implications. For example, dollar amounts might be kept private, but the different “buckets” probably shouldn’t be kept hidden or secret. Secrets are time bombs that will explode in your face.
2. Create a unified vision for yourself as a couple.
Start to envision a life for yourself as a couple, separate from your historical/lineal family. What does this vision look like? Who does it include? Will children be a part of your path? What about other priorities like travel, community, and professional ventures? Creating a unified vision together will help you both see how the pieces will fit—both now and in the future.
3. Have clarity around the roles a spouse can and will be expected to play within the family.
What role will your spouse be expected to play within the greater family dynamic? Is it purely a supporting role, or is there a chance for your partner to become more active in family dealings? Discussing expectations at the outset can help your partner better manage them. It can also allow them to decide how involved or not they want to be within the larger family context.
4. The prenup document is meant as a support of togetherness.
The prenup aims to provide clarity around what is mine, yours, and how we acknowledge what is “ours”. It is a recognition of the fact that you want to take care of this legalese now so that it doesn’t stand in the way of your relationship growing in the future. What other components beyond financials would you like to create as “ours” going forward? Having this dialogue upfront can create connection during a technical, legal time.
5. Think about milestones beyond marriage.
Take this time to think about milestones beyond marriage, like fertility, kids, your own charitable causes, and more. How do you want to consider other resources besides money (e.g. time, talent, etc.)? Make sure to build in checkpoints to re-address these milestones at least every two years. Also, check-in to see if numbers one through four above are still accurate.
Remember, at the end of the day, it’s not about dollars and cents, but transparency and sense. Your partner will understand this is simply a part of your life you must address, and the intention isn’t to upset or minimize them in any way. With transparent and open communication, you two can take on anything that comes your way—and this is a great first practice at it.