We’ve been gathering small groups of female inheritors over the past year and inviting them to join us in unconventional conversations; the ones about wealth, privilege, burdens and blessings. We knew if we created confidentiality and trust within these groups of ladies who didn’t know each other, we could address challenging questions that are often taboo: How do you cope with the pressures of privilege? How do you find your own path? And for the women who are part of our professional practice: How does being female leaders and female inheritors present unique challenges from your male peers?
While anecdotal, we’ve discovered some common themes in the words of our clients. These may help you: the advisors who serve these exact clients. Our hope is this will provide a new perspective on their challenges and cultivate understanding by hearing their experiences in their own words.
This content may also be of use in serving the wealth creators in your practice; those who may find it hard to have deep and honest conversations within their own families (no judgement here, this is tough stuff to discuss).
1. Thriving as female inheritors is partly affected by upbringing, but ultimately quite unique to individual genes and circumstances.
When thinking about raising thriving inheritors, we often ascribe near total importance to parenting. However, any parent knows that even with the same parenting, your kids turn out differently.
Here’s how one of our clients put it:
“I really wanted to earn my own keep, it helped me with my confidence, even though we had money. But my siblings and I have very different approaches to how we see ‘the money’. My brother flies private everywhere and my sister rents out fancy islands; but I would never fly private unless someone lost a limb. And yet, we were all raised in the same family with the same values.”
Additionally, some of the most highly-functioning female inheritors we’ve talked to have shared some version of this statement:
“I’m not rich, my family’s rich. It’s not my money, it’s my family’s money.”
Obviously, the ingredients to the recipe for thriving for anyone are complex. Our wealth creators may need to hear that the outcome and results for their kids are not all within their control.
2. Women are often protected from failing, and this leaves them feeling limited.
In our practice, women across the board have shared some version of the following statement:
“I’m given decision-making authority, and then my decisions are constantly questioned by my parents (and let’s face it this is typically fathers). This gives me no room to develop my own leadership skills and gives no room for failure. Avoiding ‘I told you so’ is a constant pressure.”
We all need to be better about creating a space and place for trying and failing forward, not only for our families, our children, but also in our workplaces.
3. The request to give back to or come work with the family can sometimes come at the cost of self-confidence.
In the words of one woman:
“I had a successful career on my own and was asked to come back home and help run the business. The family business actually paid me way less than my former salary. My dad offered to personally cover/pay the difference, but as I relied on my parents for more and more, I felt indebted to them and my self-esteem suffered.”
In a recent Atlantic article (a must read!), Arthur Brooks said, “What makes work meaningful is not the kind of work it is, but the sense it gives you that you are earning your success and serving others.” We must remember how important earning your success is to raising effective families and communities. Where we can give our new leaders space to earn something, while also normalizing failure?
4. Cultivating women into leadership positions is benefitted from key people in their life seeing and advocating for them.
Women, despite it being 2020, still have a dearth of other women to look up to as leaders (compounded even further in minority situations). They don’t often see themselves as being up to being a leader. However, every woman we have talked to who has excelled (by her own definition) into a leadership role can pinpoint exactly who helped her see the skills or potential that she hadn’t been able to see for herself.
“My old boss held me out as a leader before I could really see it for myself; I really give her credit for helping me see myself in that role I thought was unattainable and have successfully stepped into. I hope I can do that for others.”
One way we can universally support female leaders is to champion their growth; we let them know what they might not yet see as possible roles for themselves.
What are your clients saying about this topic? We’d love to hear your thoughts!