Every family system has a generation in control and a generation—or two—in waiting, and often those lines can be blurred. Everyone knows a family in which a son or daughter has been passed the reins. However, Mom or Dad (or those in charge) just isn’t quite ready to let go. These power dynamics can be frustrating for all involved, especially for the family office executives that are attempting to “serve two masters.”
Generational differences in the “way we do things” add further complications to challenging power dynamics. This creates a boiling pot of issues from miscommunication, resentment and mistrust to a lack of transparency. Those of us at Wellth Works have been surveying multigenerational family members and family offices for years. One thing is clear: resentment and mistrust between generations starts with poor communication.
We aren’t telling you anything you don’t already know, but a major problem with passing control to future generations happens when responsibility is transferred down, but veto power remains at the top. As one of our clients told us recently:
“I am trying to redefine my role with my parents and I just know I can do so much more, but I feel held back. They’re giving me a title and ownership, but when I ask if they are giving up decision making control they say no…I just feel stuck.”
In our work with families and family offices that are looking to build leadership and communication skills, we highlight four fundamental building blocks of communication that will help any individual or system navigate diffuse power dynamics.
1. Build Empathy and Appreciation
Effective conflict resolution has to start here—this is especially important within families. One exercise we give to all of our clients prior to any family meetings, gatherings or difficult conversations is to write a daily appreciation list for five days. For example, one of our clients was about to tell her father she could no longer work with him; he hadn’t been allowing her the autonomy she needed. She had been working diligently in the business for over a decade and was at a breaking point. Therefore, she had a conversation planned with her father for the upcoming week.
Before we discussed power dynamics, strategy or details, we asked her to send us a list of five things she appreciated about her dad every day for the next five days. She was reluctant, and her first few entries were “I guess he’s nice to my mom”. However, by the fifth day her appreciations were more deep and personal; “He has given me so many opportunities that I haven’t thanked him for”. This didn’t change the conflict they were going through, but it changed the way she showed up to the conversation. It gave her access to a new perspective on what her father had created and provided.
Our brains are always building evidence to support how we are feeling. In fact, research shows they’re biased to collect negative information. This is from our primitive days of constantly filtering for threats (the attack of the saber tooth tiger). We use this tool to help balance the information our brain is gathering; but we make sure to check for evidence of the positive things too.
2. Get Clarity: Creation, Not Reaction
Did you know the difference between reaction and creation is simply shifting the position of one letter—the C—in the words? This exercise is that simple. Frequently we enter into a conversation wanting to avoid a bad outcome instead of creating the vision of what we want/desire to happen.
Before your next challenging meeting or conversation, get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle of the page. The circle represents the boundary between what you DO want and what you DO NOT want.
Inside the circle, write down a few ideas of what you want to happen in the conversation; for example, I want:
- To be understood
- Alignment on this goal
- To feel calm
- Everyone to feel heard
Outside the circle, write down anything you don’t want: fighting, resentment, anger, distrust, etc.
When we do this exercise, we create space for a new type of conversation to emerge. This is instead of reacting to our assumptions about the way it has always been or what we don’t want to have happen.
3. Levels of Listening
The next stop on this train is to look at our listening. We do this by asking internally: What are we listening for? A few things we could be listening for are:
- Agreement/disagreement
- What I can say next
- How this applies to me
- Evaluation/judgement
None of these contexts for listening are wrong, and we all do them. The power as it relates to better communication comes from practicing listening for understanding. Instead of “listening”—but really trying to come up with your next point to agree/disagree while someone else is speaking—listen and then clarify what you’ve heard by asking a question. This will show that you actually understand what the other person is trying to say. So often conversations look like this:
“I’m a non-family executive and Bob (the patriarch) is always finding ways to make me look wrong and assert his all-knowing power. He’s ‘been in the business for 40 years’ so my confidence is shot in trying to offer new, innovative ways to update technology in the office in order to connect the family that is all over the country. I also know that the kids (who are adults) completely ignore my attempts to reach out and engage them. They are so not interested in how the office is doing. It scares me because in a few years I’ll report to them and they’ll have no idea how to be effective.”
Instead of going into the conversation ready to assert what she already thinks above, incorporating the levels of listening tool could look like:
“I wonder how hard it must have been for Bob to run this business for 40 years; I’m curious what he thinks about the company being so out of touch with technology. I’d like to ask his expertise on many items, so I can get a sense of where he’s coming from. Then I may be able to align with what is important to him. I wonder if he’s scared about becoming irrelevant and therefore must hold on to ‘the old ways.’ I’m going to listen to hear clues about what feels real for him, and see his side before I defend my position.
In terms of the kids, I wonder what’s important to them; where are their priorities right now? How can I look from their perspective to understand their resistance? Perhaps it’s not that they don’t care, maybe they just don’t know how to relate to their father and his authoritarian approach. Maybe instead of running through data sets in our quarterly meetings, I could ask them some questions about what/how they’d like me to interact with them differently.”
4. Compassionate Communication
This is a big topic, and one that we could spend hours learning and practicing, but the bottom line is that the way we have been taught to communicate does not promote conflict resolution—it’s typically emotional and laced with accusations and defensiveness. What the work of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), or Compassionate Communication, asks us to consider is first to build self-awareness and clarity around our own feelings and needs. It includes a simple method for clear, empathic communication consisting of four areas of focus:
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs
- Requests
An easy way to start practicing compassionate communication is to keep conversations limited to speaking with “I” statements instead of “You (insert accustation).” NVC aims to find a way for all present to get what really matters to them out of the conversation without the use of guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or threats. It is useful for resolving conflicts (including those relating to power dynamics) and connecting with others. It also allows us to live in a way that is conscious, present, and in tune to the genuine, living needs of yourself and others.
We know that this is just scratching the surface of good communication when it comes to power dynamics. However, one thing is certain: effective family communication starts with building goodwill, getting clear on outcomes, listening for understanding and learning to ask to get our needs met. We recommend trying out one of these strategies when the stakes are low. Maybe start with: “Where should we go for dinner tonight?” over “Who gets to be the next CEO of the family empire?”
Like building a muscle for sports, dance, or like meditation, we have to practice daily so that we can access the skills when we need them most while continuing to go deeper and build competence and expertise.